And whilst I had a jot of 'bump envy' (despite having enough kids there's the teeniest weeniest part inside me that thinks 'awwww baby in there'), that aside, I can't recall having so much love for the lump.
Obviously I like the kids now they're on the outside of me. (Some days and not all of the day I might add) but I didn't love being pregnant.
It made me look fat.
In fact it made my body do all the things I wouldn't normally encourage or wish to happen.
For example, the most obvious. Weight gain. I gained weight. I don't normally champion this. But I had to embrace it for almost a year!
There's that awful first stage when no one knows your pregnant and you just look podgy. People who know you look at your body and fat cheeks in such a way that you could probably read their mind - "she's banged a few pounds on. Best not say anything to her though"
You've started not fitting into your 'normal' clothes but you're equally still in denial, so you squeeze that fat ass into them anyway. It does none of us any favours. But you don't argue with a pregnant hormonal woman. Not even if that woman is you. You leave her be. You squish your fat ass in girl. You squish it.
That said, I think we all know at least one 'Earth Mother' who is wearing maternity smocks as soon as she conceives. She's the same woman who wants to feel the pain of childbirth and shuns the drugs (!?!) (Don't get me started!)
Then there's the later obviously pregnant and not fat stage, the stage where you look naff in everything. You want to look all celeb like and pop on a tight top and hipsters, act like you're rocking the bump. But nowhere I know sells that 'look' anyway! It's giant stretchy waistbands on 1980's style jeans, pinafore dresses, t-shirts with logos such as, 'my boy is doing 9 months inside' or equally ridiculous statements or you go floral.
So you have to spend what feels like an eternity either looking twat or looking like Santa Claus in his 'day off' clothes.
Your body also makes you trump and burp a bit more. Not sure why. It just does. Not something us ladies normally want to happen when we bend for a pack of biscuits in Asda. But it does.
There's currently no baby to blame for said wind, we either have to waft our hands at our own noses muttering 'dirty bastard' towards the invisible man who never walked past us, as our cover for those now on the same aisle as us.
And trust me, the minute you let out a stinker, the whole world suddenly appears on your aisle!
Or our other option is to leg it. We run. We run to the booze aisle. Only to discover, we can't really run, we shufty along, and we can't drink booze without it being frowned upon. Well, not straight from the shelf anyway. So on we go.
People talk about the pregnancy glow. And I'm wondering when I'll get mine? Can it be owed months down the line because it certainly never emblazened me whilst pregnant that's for sure. Unless you count the spotty chops, unruly hair and regular heartburn as glowy?? In fact months later and I'm still being punished for pregnancy, with hair loss and enough spots to make an acne riddled teenager feel sorry for me.
Nothing a bar of chocolate won't fix.
No-one warns pregnant women about how much food they can put away either. It's pretty impressive considering. It's the right time to go to one of those burger eating contests and actually have a chance of winning! What comes along with that lovely appetite is heartburn. Enough heartburn to make you think (A) I'm actually having a cardiac
(B) If I'm not having a cardiac then I'm buying shares in Gaviscon.
Yes filthy disgusting antacid medicine. Tastes like chalk and metal even though they try to disguise it into 'cool mint' or 'strawberry' flavour. It doesn't work. It's shite. But it does the job, the burps flow, the discomfort eases and you're ready to eat again. Just not that.. That remotely spicy chilli that caused this.. Don't worry... Buy a cook book.. There's plenty of other food to feast on.. And who knows.. With all that 'free' time that you'll have once baby is born, you can practise being a right little Delia cooking everything from scratch while baby sleeps...! (Mwah haha haha haha- evil laugh)
The final thing I'll say about pregnancy is that no one warns you that eventually baby signals its arrival, it will be born. The fact you can still live your free and easy life whilst pregnant is against trade descriptions, the fact you are yet to endure some of the worst pain of your life, the fact that once baby comes they are quite difficult to put back in, you never quite prepare yourself for what is about to happen how it will change you and your life for good.
So enjoy this moment, enjoy the fatness, enjoy having the quietest baby in the world because it's not born yet, enjoy ironing all those babygros you bought (you won't have time to do this ever again) enjoy cooing over those newborns you see for 10 minutes that look all serene and calm (they are when people are looking, shame at 3am in the morning there aren't more people in your bedroom to induce the same behaviours!) yes enjoy all these pregnant moments while you can. Your body is doing something quite amazing, you will soon be releasing a real genuine human being out into the wild. One that you have made almost all by yourself.
You might be about to give birth to a whole new era of issues, niggles & adventures. But guess what, the heartburn will have gone!
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